Alone
by Catri Howlman-Carthaki spy
Summary: It hurts, that I can’t have him yet. I want to keep him, but he’s still afraid of me, still unwilling to see what I see. SLASH! Implied Non-Con!


Written for a Myriad of Challenges, issued by zylaxidia:

20) The last, for now. Write a fic where someone has an abstract phobia. That means not arachnophobia (spiders), Acrophobia (heights), claustrophobia, etc. Fun ones include:  
-Paraskavedekatriaphobia, fear of Friday the 13th. and Triskaidekaphobia, fear of the number 13  
-Trichopathophobia, fear of hair  
-**Anuptaphobia, fear of being single**  
-Arachibutyrophobia, Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth  
-Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Fear of long words  
-Geniophobia, fear of chins  
-Ephebiphobia, fear of teenagers  
-Wicca phobia - Fear of witches and witchcraft (credit to Ninja-Miriko for this idea. :D )  
Yeah, I had a lot of fun with that list. A good list can be found here:

**_A/N: This is set during sixth year...anyone want to forge a guess at who I had in mind?_**

_Alone_

_By Catty-the-spy_

They say that I'm a slut. It's not true, I don't sleep around. Honestly, they can think what they like. I'm saving that part of me for the one I want to be with forever. Most people get with me because they think I'm easy, and they leave really fast cause I don't put out.

Of course, he wouldn't leave.

It hurts, that I can't have him yet. I want to keep him, but he's still afraid of me, still unwilling to see what I see. I know that soon he will see, but it is hard to wait for him.

While I wait, I will bounce from person to person who wants to use me, hoping that he will see what I feel, hoping that he will come to his senses soon so that I will not have to make him realize how much he would love me.

It is a hard wait, but I am patient enough to get what will be mine, even if I have to hop from person to stay out of _that_ _place_.

_That_ _place_…it's hard to even think about it. _That_ _place_ is where I never want to be. It's why I try so hard to hold someone down, why I'm so desperate to get him, why things are so hard and strained between me and my friends, why my mother can't look at me and my father always frowns.

It's okay. I will get him, as soon as that chit he thinks he loves lets him go. Then I'll swoop in and strike, then I'll snag him forever. I know he'll stay, I know I can make him stay. I can arrange for him to stay with me, and then I'll never be in _that_ _place_.

I like having my own space, put I can't bear to be in _that_ _place_. Even before I entered puberty I was afraid of _that_ _place_, from the time I was little and saw my father and step fathers disappearing before my eyes. I saw my mother when she was in _that_ _place_, and even though now I know she doesn't fear it, it caused me to fear it. If I can have him, then I won't have to worry anymore. If I can have him, then I'll be happy, and I know I'll never be in _that_ _place_, I'll never be on my own. I know that if I can get him, he'll always be mine. I could go out and live my life knowing that he'll always be mine, waiting for me when I came home (I'd never let him out without me). I could be happy with him and not be constantly filled with the fear of _that_ _place_.

It was with this mantra in my heart that I heard them fighting one afternoon, that I heard her scream at him for no reason, that I heard her break off the relationship they'd been trying to hold together, that I watched her leave the room angry…that I entered the room and saw him sitting alone in _that_ _place_, crushed.

I walked up to him and sat down beside him. He wasn't happy to see me at first. I wasn't surprised. Our houses were rivals, and some of my classmates had been unkind. I reminded him that I had done nothing to him, and he calmed a little. I could see that he was hurting and I was sad for him. He was in that place, that painful place that I was terrified of. Already weaving my net around him, I pulled him closer and gave him sympathy and an unbiased ear to cry to. I was a rebound, an accident. I knew that's what he thought when we kissed, but that kiss sealed the deal, even if he didn't know it yet. I whispered the words and it was done. I had him, even though he didn't know I had him. I would never be in _that_ _place_ again.

It's not his fault we slept with each other. His judgment was clouded by what I had done; he had no control. He woke chained to my bed, with my mark on his chest. He was frightened. I expected that. I soothed him as best I could, but I told him then that I would never let him go. I was terrified of _that_ _place_, was disturbed by the mere thought of it. Even as I talked with him I felt the fear rising in me, the fear of _that_ _place_ – I'd broken up with many people before.

My mother would make our excuses at school. It was necessary that I keep him with me until I was sure that he'd realized he didn't want to leave. I wasn't going to risk my peace now that I'd claimed him.

To soothe my fears I kissed him, and he melted under me just as I knew he would. He may not have consciously wanted to, but deep down I knew he did. He was still trapped by what I'd done, forced to feel and enjoy instead of over-think and panic. He was afraid, and probably would be until he realized that he wanted to stay with me forever. I tried to explain that he would never have to be in _that_ _place_, and he didn't understand. It was because he was still afraid, but I knew he would get it eventually. And until he got it I would remind him that we would never be in _that_ _place_ ever again, and that he would never have to worry about being that sad any more.

Now, each time I feel the fear creeping up on me, I can turn to him and remind myself that I'll never be in _that_ _place_ again, even when my stepfathers drop like flies.

I know that I will never be _there_…never alone.

* * *

_**A/N: I am soooooo sorry! My internet connection is practically nonexistant (i'm at the public library), I'm focusing more on origional work...and I've lost inspiration on some of my stories.**_

_**I had a series of brain-seizures that resulted in the three one-shots I'm pushing now. I know it won't make up for anything but... it's worth a shot.**_

_**Flames will be used to heat my bath water.**_

_**Kisses,**_

_**Cts.**_

_**ps: Mirror edited. Any left over mistakes are his fault. Let me know and I'll correct them when I get the chance.**_


End file.
